


I'm sorry

by PinkLotus (EspurrsVena)



Category: JO1 (Japan Band), Produce 101 (Japan TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, M/M, Memory Loss, Supernatural Elements, no beta we die like real men, s4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23839435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EspurrsVena/pseuds/PinkLotus
Summary: Sukai saved Shosei from a car crash in the last moment only to be hit himself. A strange man offers to rescue Sukai, but there is a price - Sukai's memories of Shosei.
Relationships: Kinjo Sukai/Ohira Shosei
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	I'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [（授权翻译）对不起](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27120004) by [miowhysoserious](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miowhysoserious/pseuds/miowhysoserious)



“I can save him. But it means that he will lose something. Something very important.”   
“I don’t care. Please just save him. Please don’t let him die.”   
“As you wish.” 

4 weeks had passed since the horrifying car crash that had nearly costed Sukai’s life.   
He and Shosei were on the way back home from a karaoke party with their friends and when they wanted to cross the street a car was suddenly coming straight in their direction. In the last moment, Sukai pushed his friend out of harm’s way only to be hit himself.   
The sight was traumatising for Shosei. Blood was everywhere and Sukai’s limps were twisted in a weird way. The driver had disappeared into the night once he realised what had happened, so the blonde one was all alone. He somehow managed to call the ambulance and made them understand what happened between his sobs, yet for an eternity he was alone with his dying friend. 

“Are you alright?”, Sukai’s voice sounded weak and blood was running down on his face.   
“Yes.”   
“I’m glad.”   
Shosei could feel how the breathing of his injured roommate became even weaker until the point when he wasn’t able to see any chest movement anymore. He screamed into the night that Sukai shouldn’t give up and all of sudden a strange man with an even stranger question appeared. He begged him to save Sukai and after the man touched him, faint breathing movements were visible again. However, before Shosei could say anything the man had disappeared and the ambulance arrived. 

Since that night, Shosei had not seen his roommate. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to visit him in the hospital, but every time he wanted to go there, the pictures from the night hit him and made him unable to leave the dorm.   
Also, if he was able to leave the dorm to do errands, he could do them only during daytime. Once it got dark, he was too scared to cross any street and every car sound made him shriek.   
His friends were worried and organised that he could get help from the college’s counselling service, yet there wasn’t much progress in his condition. 

However, for that day he promised himself that he would only smile. Sukai would return to the dorm and Shosei was ready to make his lifesaver feel at home again. He had decorated their room and gotten his favourite food. Shion and Syoya from the room next door also had come over to help him.   
Everyone waited anxiously for the return for their friend and when they finally heard keys unlocking the door, they had a hard time not to run to the door on the spot.   
Sukai’s family had informed them while he had recovered enough to leave the hospital, he still needed crutches to walk, so tackling him into a group hug wasn’t the best idea. Also, no one knew how his mental state was. 

Still a loud “Welcome back!” echoed through the room when Sukai finally entered it and luckily the boy showed a smile. Besides the crutches he looked like nothing had happened. He was a little thinner than before, but otherwise the old Sukai was back. Syoya and Shion couldn’t stay at their places anymore and ran towards him. Just like before Sukai ruffled Syoya’s hair and made jokes with Shion.   
Seeing this made Shosei beyond happy. He had feared that he ruined the other one’s life forever, yet everything seemed fine. 

However, only on the first glance everything was fine. When Sukai finally noticed the last person in the room, he looked confused. “And you are?”   
“You are joking, right? I’m Shosei, your roommate since a year.”   
But the other one’s face told him that he wasn't joking. His face twisted as if he tried hard to remember the blonde one. “I’m sorry. I can’t remember you.”   
Shosei did not know how to react in that moment. Sukai was alive and back, yet he had forgotten him. That was a small price to pay compared to his life, wasn’t it? Yet the blonde one's heart still hurt. 

Before the crash the two of them had been in that weird state of not being just friends or roommates anymore, but also not being a couple. During the party before the accident it was especially weird for both of them because their friends tried to set them up with other people, yet instead they had always gravitated to each other again. In the moment when they crossed that fateful street Shosei even thought of taking the other one’s hand. Yet instead of a dreamy romance night, everything turned into a nightmare.   
“It’s okay. Your head was injured badly. Memory loss can happen.” He did his best to smile, thus making the other one feel good and not awkward.   
“I guess.” 

Still the evening turned out more awkward than both of them liked. Shion and Syoya did their best to make their time together as lively as in the past, yet Sukai, being back to his shy self like back when they moved in together, distanced himself from Shosei who in turn didn’t know how to react.   
He didn’t know whether he just should act like nothing ever happened, be considerate of the situation or something else. It hurt in some way, even though he knew it was selfish to feel this way. Sukai lived and that was what mattered. 

However, all those thoughts made him unable to fall asleep later that night. Why had Sukai only forgotten him? He seemed to remembered everyone else and even the contents of his studies. Yet when it came to something which was related to Shosei, there seemed to be a hole inside of his brain.   
In that moment Shosei remembered the words of that strange man. Saving Sukai had costed something very important to him. Were those memories the price for his life? Did that mean that Sukai had also valued their time together? That he used to have similar feelings?   
Those thoughts made Shosei’s heart ache again. If he had just done something different that night... 

In the end Shosei barely slept that night. It was Sunday, so it didn’t matter much. When he got up, Sukai was still sleeping. For a moment, Shosei stopped in front of the other one’s bed. It was like he had to see that Sukai was breathing. There was no blood, but seeing him with his eyes closed still gave him an uneasy feeling.   
When his mind had finally calmed down, he went to the kitchen and started to make breakfast. Even thought he was insecure whether it was alright, he also made some for Sukai. The brown haired one was weak in the morning and usually if Shosei didn’t make sure that the other one ate properly in the morning; he would only drink a coffee or worse an energy drink before class.   
Moreover, it was Sukai’s first morning back in the dorm, so he wanted to do something nice for him. 

When Shosei was finally done with the preparations, he had made enough that even Syoya wouldn’t be able to eat anything afterwards anymore. It wasn’t a mere breakfast anymore; it could be already considered as a brunch buffet.   
Also, it was long past breakfast time when Shosei heard some noise from the other room.   
Sukai wasn’t a morning person and it seemed like he had forgotten his crutches when he wanted to get up, so he was sitting on the floor now, looking even more confused than the night before.   
For Shosei that sight was hot and cute at the same time. He had to admit that a sleep drunken Sukai looked handsome with his messy hair and the half-closed eyes. Yet seeing him that confused about the whole situation had a cute aspect, too. 

“Let me help you.” With Shosei’s help, Sukai was able to stand up again and got his crutches. Afterwards, they went to the kitchen together.   
“Is that for me?”   
“Yes. I thought that your first breakfast back here should be a nice one.”   
“Thank you. And sorry for not remembering you.”   
“It’s alright.” It was a lie, but one Shosei wanted to believe himself. Sukai was alive and that mattered. His selfish feelings were unimportant. 

Because Sukai was slow to wake up fully, the breakfast was a quiet affair. While it was technically a normal situation, Shosei couldn’t help but feel awkward. He wanted to talk to Sukai, but he didn’t know what to say. Should he try to bring back their memories or would that mean that Sukai would die? Should he do some small talk or let the other one wake up in peace?   
“That night..” Surprisingly, Sukai was the first one who started to talk. “You were with me, weren’t you?”   
“Yes, you saved me from the car, only to be hit yourself.” He had hoped that their first real conversation alone wouldn’t be about that topic. Eventually, it was better to have that conversation sooner than later.   
“They told me in the hospital that I saved someone. So, it was you?”   
“Yes. I’m sorry for not visiting you... I wanted to really... But I could not.” 

Shosei had vowed himself not to cry once Sukai returned but in that moment, the tears were stronger. He didn’t want to trouble his roommate any more, yet his selfish feelings were overwhelming.   
“It’s okay. I don’t blame you.”   
“I’m sorry.” He couldn’t look into Sukai’s eyes in that moment. Into the chaotic swirl of his feelings shame was also mixed and Shosei began to hate himself. It was better for Sukai that he had forgotten him.   
Being too focused on himself, Shosei didn’t notice that the other one limped over to him and pulled him into a hug. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. We are alive and that matters.” 

While the words were meant in a comforting way, they only made Shosei cry harder. Sukai had died for him that night and was only saved by a miracle. Meanwhile, Shosei wasn’t even able to thank him and wallowed himself in self-pity. He was a horrible friend. “Thank you for rescuing me.”   
“Anytime.”   
Shosei couldn’t understand why Sukai was kind too him. He didn’t deserve that. He was nothing but a shitty and egoistic friend. “I’m sorry.” 

Sukai’s return to the campus was the talk of the week and even the seniors welcomed him back. He hadn’t forgotten anyone else, thus Shosei assumed that the price was indeed his memories of him. Slowly, he was able to accept that. Sukai's life and happiness mattered.   
It was also a topic during his weekly appointment with the counselling service. The psychiatrist suggested that Shosei shouldn’t try to bring those memories back. That could only cause more pain to both of them. Instead he should focus on making new memories with his roommate. Sometimes that could also bring back memories of the past due the similar patterns and feelings.   
Naturally, no one knew that in Sukai’s case there was no chance in bringing back the memories. It had been magic or whatever that had taken the memories and not an injury like everyone suspected.   
While it still gave Shosei a hard time mentally, he slowly got used to it. What mattered was that Sukai was alive and happy. 

Yet there was still one thing, Shosei was insecure about: his feelings for his roommate.   
The night of the accident had confirmed that they went deeper than mere friendship and it seemed like that feeling had been mutual. Was there still a chance for them? Was it too early to act in this direction? He had no idea what to do.  
Right now, Shosei did his best in rebuilding their friendship. Shion and Syoya helped too and soon their nightly gaming sessions were a thing again.   
Due the limited space, gaming always meant that the teams sat pretty close to each other. Before that fateful night, Shosei and Sukai were usually a team and somehow Shion and Syoya had decided to stick to their old formation.   
Sitting that close to his roommate made Shosei’s heart beat faster and he had a hard time focussing on the game. Hence, the first rounds were won by their room neighbours. 

Eventually, Shosei got used to being close to the other one again, so in the end they managed a few wins, too. It was pretty late at night when Shion and Syoya finally left and the night turned quiet.   
“Syoya is cute, isn’t he?” Sukai said incidentally while tidying up the room.   
“What?” That small statement was as unexpected as painful for Shosei. He was busy with figuring out how to deal with his own feelings and somehow, he didn’t notice along that it was irrational.   
“He is like a bunny. Small, fast and cute.”   
“I guess.” Shosei wanted to run and hide in that moment. That’s not how he had expected that evening to turn out. 

It became another night during which Shosei found no sleep. The haunting pictures from the accident were mixed with images of Sukai and Syoya together. It was selfish and unreasonable, but every time he closed his eyes, his mind found something new to torture him.   
He knew that Sukai’s happiness should be his priority, too, but he couldn’t help but feeling a heartbreak coming up. 

The next day of class started in an awful way. For some reason both morning classes had surprise tests and since Shosei’s mind had been everywhere expect his classes recently, he was barely able to answer the questions.   
When lunch break came, he was exhausted, physically because of the lack the night before and mentally because of those tests. He thought about going home and skipping the rest of his classes, yet he had promised his friends to eat lunch with them. If he was honest, he didn’t want to go there either, because he feared to see Sukai flirting with Syoya.   
Nothing had happened the night before, yet maybe Sukai had realised his feelings only that day, Shosei worried. 

At first, it seemed like his fears were confirmed. Sukai and Syoya sat together and joked about something while the place opposite of Sukai was reserved for him.   
“Hey everyone.”   
“You look awful.”, commented Shion as tactful as always.   
“I haven’t slept well last night and two surprise tests..”   
“Then let’s go home together after lunch. I wanted to skip the afternoon classes anyway.”, said Sukai with a smile. 

The fastest way back to their dorm led them across the street where the accident had happened. Shosei had avoided that route, yet Sukai took it and Shosei just followed him.   
However, when they reached that fateful street Shosei’s legs turned into lead and he couldn’t move forward anymore.   
Sukai on the other hand seemed unaware of the significance of that place until he noticed the blond one's reaction. “It was here?”   
Shosei could only nod. His throat also felt like a piece of lead blocked his vocal cords.   
“Give me your hand.” Shosei was still unable to move, so Sukai just took his hand. “It’s day time and look, there is a traffic light. When it turns green, we will cross the street and nothing will happen. And if something happens, I will protect you again.”   
“No, don’t do that.”   
“I would always do that for you.” 

The traffic light turned green and at first Sukai had to drag him across the street. However, after they reached around the middle of the street panic took over and Shosei started to run until he was safely at the sidewalk.   
“Well done.”   
“No... I’m sorry.”   
“You don’t need to apologize.” Sukai pulled him into a hug. “Come on. Let’s reward ourselves with something nice.”   
There was a small candy store near them and the candies seemed like a good comfort food in the moment. Shosei expected Sukai to choose some kind of chocolate, yet when the other one returned from the store, he had a bag of Kompeito with him. “It reminded me of us.”   
“Only because it uses the first kanjis of our names.” 

Yet Sukai didn’t listen to him, took out a few and held them in front of Shosei’s mouth. “Say ahh.”   
It was kind of hilarious, but Shosei let his roommate feed him with the candy. “I’m not a kid.”, he said with a giggle.   
“I know. I just wanted to make you smile.”   
“I don’t deserve you.”   
“I don’t care. Let’s go home.” The scary street was passed already, but again Sukai took his hand and lead him back to their dorm.

**Author's Note:**

> Will I ever decide which is my favourite S4 ship? No  
> Will this fandom ever stop to make Shosei and Sukai suffer? Also no  
> Was it fun to write anyway? Yes  
> I hope you enjoyed reading it, too!  
> See ya~


End file.
